DANIEL'S PORNO BRIDE

Daniel McGEe was a study in the shit that life hands you. Starting with a major typo on his birth certificate, and ending with his arrest in connection to his missing wife, Daniel's life was packed with ups, downs and sideways.

Daniel was a rambunctious child. He was known to suffer weekly bouts of being grounded for incredible acts of childhood creativity and leadership gone wrong. In his highest form, Daniel McGEe built a dirt bike park at an abandoned construction site, then charged his vast network of "kids" ten bucks each to use it. Daniel had set up security, a park entrance, parking, vending stations where snacks (bought at Costco) were sold, and a first aid station using off-duty Boy Scouts.

Then someone spilled the beans. Everyone suspected the cop's kids. No one talked to the cop's kids after that. The majority of folks loved the stew out of Daniel. Even the adults secretly wished that he was their kid. Publicly, they lobbied for Daniel's punishment to consist of community work.

So Daniel became the Junior Executive Director of a community center for kids. He took to this work like a monkey to a tree, and became fully aware of county codes, safety regulations, grant requirements, and politics. He miraculously never got involved in the drug trade, and made sure that none of that came near the community center. Even the gangs enforced Daniel's dictates, mostly because the idea of someone like Daniel going vigilante or starting his own gang made them lose a lot of sleep.

With a full scholarship to university, Daniel went on to complete a Master's Degree in computer science. Then he shocked everyone by going into the Air Force for four years. He worked at the Pentagon, hauling dicey garbage, then gravitated toward the NSA, hauling downright spooky garbage.

While in the Air Force, Daniel completed his MBA. The Air Force tried every trick in the book to keep Daniel, to no avail. He took the Air Force Captain's career path and left to make some real money by starting up a computer security consulting firm. Within ten years, Daniel was worth 350 million dollars. Customers couldn't get enough of Daniel McGEe, who put together a team of nerds and sociopaths who could either track down or stop just about any hackers.

Daniel was on a roll. He had all the women he could tolerate, and would select his dates on a set of algorithms: A socialite for when he needed to impress a conservative client; a Jersey Big Hair for when he needed to impress the Goombahs; an American Indian woman who never shut up, for when he needed to impress the big liberal non profits...

And then...Daniel met a Chinese Amerian woman named Pamela Wu Watson and decided to save her life. Pamela had made her money by marrying, then divorcing a fabulously wealthy construction magnate. She had supplemented her income by stealing, then selling high priced couture clothing and shoes.

The problem with Pamela was that she took on a client who was a partner in a major law firm in a city by a bay. One should never drag any of a law firm's up-and-coming partners into crime, especially when a bay is nearby.

There's a reason why bay bottom feeders, such as crabs, are so flavorful.

Pamela Wu Watson was arrested and booked on the very day that Daniel McGEe was visiting with an old Air Force buddy who happened to be the Detective involved in Pamela's arrest. Daniel took one look at the woman and his feet refused to touch the ground. Pamela managed to look fabulous, even when handcuffed to a dirty chair for four hours.

After Daniel helped Pamela through her plea agreement (She got a little jail time, followed up with fines and probation. No one had a clue about the magnitude of her operations, so only a small amount of actual crime was proven. Plus it was her first offense and all of that), Pamela helped Daniel through his unsettled sex life and they went mutual for several months. The Karma Sutra doesn't even have some of the positions that those two managed to get into. The sheet rock walls of both their apartments showed dents where their standup routines were performed, even though no one was laughing.

The problems began when Pamela Wu Watson decided to go into internet porn for fun and profit. Her porn was the ne plus ultra of porn. It was elegant and moving stuff. Pamela's porn had the highest production values ever seen.

Pamela Wu Watson's porn was conceived and scripted by writers who were recruited from a certain online writing community. Those heartfelt bastards could create sex scenarios that could set even the most jaded heart to pounding like the hooves of a thousand Clydesdales.

Pamela's plots, music, and action were the best anyone had ever enjoyed...and at prices that were reasonable to those who made over 300 thousand a year.

There were never underaged, drug addled, stupid, or trashy actors. These kids were from Julliard, Harvard, Oxford, and other highly regarded acting schools. Pamela had a trick: she had animation programs written to replace real faces with cunningly created virtual characters. The actors even wore semi-opaque masks the entire time that they were filming and hanging around, so that no one would ever know who they were. Many of them went on to become serious "A" list celebrities, their educations and Hollywood connections financed by only two or three of Pamela's productions.

Daniel, had no clue that Pamela Wu Watson was a porn magnate until he had her background checked and investigated. He was in a bad way with this woman, but he was no dummy. The wrong marital move could make his life a living hell.

But Daniel needed a bride, and none of his women were interested. Even though Daniel was a complete Lesbian, people were beginning to wonder if there was something wrong with him. The "G" word was being tossed around. Being gay was not really a problem for Daniel McGEe, but he had some very conservative clients.

Also, his tiny swimmers were starting to drown. Daniel's Dad had the same problem, and frequently badgered Daniel over the issue. The generations of McGee men produced their children young in life or not at all. So Daniel had made sure that he already had five kids by five differently independent and fabulous women. Daniel's women were of a variety of races and types. He loved them all, they loved him. But each relationship just couldn't last in close quarters for more than a couple of weeks at a time or problems started up.

Daniel McGEe stayed true to his nature as one who never solved conventional problems in convential ways. He avoided having to move to Utah or Burundi. He didn't have to build a compound or do the creepy hairdos, brainwishing, and corny dresses. Daniel just took care of everyone personally, socially, financially, and for life.

Daniel's women were exceptional women. Daniel's kids were doing fine, except for their genetic pre-disposition toward "unconvential community organizing".

But Pamela Wu Watson was different. She couldn't have children. She was a delight to live with. She was a spectacular woman who had all of the social skills that a person could collect. So Daniel McGEe popped the question and they got engaged. Signed a prenup. Started looking for invites and venues. Hired a wedding planner who wouldn't drive them crazy. Organized the support of his women and children.

Three weeks before the wedding, Pamela disappeared.

One day she was flying around, running her porn business and bride-o-rama. The next day she was nowhere to be found. She and Daniel were scheduled for a reception for the Ambassador to Jeeppeee, and Pamela simply failed to show. Her apartment was untouched. She hadn't used any public transport, her credit cards, or bank accounts after she went missing.

Daniel immediately contacted his detective friend, who started an informal inquiry, since he was aware of Pamela's unusual activities and background. The Detective came up wtih Nothing. Zip. Nada.

Then some idiot arrested Daniel. This was three days after the official missing person's report was submitted and assigned. Since there was no evidence of violence, no blood, and no witnesses to anything disturbing, the clown had absolutely no support for leaking the arrest to the press, arranging a splashy "perp walk", and staging a press conference.

The idiot was a disturbed Deputy DA, who lost her ever loving mind over Pamela's unbearable lightnesss of sentence for her shoplifting crimes. The Mayor, DA and Chief Inspector were furious. They shut down the the "press conference" and ordered Daniel's immediate release.

The higher up's apologies were profuse and divine. The higher ups would have been equally profuse and divine in their efforts to see Daniel strapped up and lying on "Old Sparky", had he been a viable suspect in Pamela's disappearance.

The idiot Deputy DA went on to live in a trailer owned by her parents. She works at Wal Mart and Legal Aid.

For the next year, Daniel's days were never complete unless he obsessed over Pamela Wu Watson's whereabouts and well being. Was she dead? Had she been horribly killed and dumped like garbage? Who would kill her? Why? Was it the porn industry? Who were her enemies? Without much information, Daniel's imagination took him on long, lonely journeys that required several rescue operations.

But thanks to his large, boisterious, extended family, Daniel eventually recovered enough to make even more money as a Computer security genius. He focused on his excellent and robust children, and even produced a couple more. He was able to enjoy his five significant others again. Pamela dimmed, but never faded completely away.

&&&

The beach had that Foreign beach sound. Talk was muffled. The odd squeak or squeal from a well managed child managed to escape, but without the sustained tantrums of American beaches.

The air was sparkling with the remnants of the typical afternoon shower. The sun was returning to it's full form: blistering hot and absolutely sure of its own power. The water was like Vodka and Curacao, a divine liquor to live in. The flawless ocean was a floor through which one passed in order to enter a world of color and life, or skimmed upon in order to escape to other enticing beaches.

A man approached, throwing a line that was reminiscent of the 80's. It went something like this: "I found a feather...is it yours? Because you look like an angel who might have lost a feather!"

His hairy chest showed through a loud, neon print shirt, and no he di-int have a gold chest chain! He wasn't a bad looker, though, and if he could afford access to this beach, he must be well off...But she could smell a bullying abuser from ten miles away. Reject.

She held up a tube of scabies ointment. "Could you help me with my lotion?" she squealed, making sure that her fake gold tooth was visible.

The man didn't say another word as he rapidly moved on.

Pamela Wu Watson waited until the man was out of earshot, then burst into laughter.

Then she fired up her crackberry and checked up on her latest venture, an operation involving high quality bootleg aircraft engine parts.